hankyoreh

Kim Ye-sol, a girl in the first year of middle school, was excited to talk about her dating experience.
“Not long ago I started my 13th relationship. We‘ve been seeing each other for 90 days now. My boyfriend is in the third year at my school,” Ye-sol told a Hankyoreh reporter on the playground of her middle school in Seoul, at the end of last month.
“I’ve had eight relationships and am taking a little break right now,” said Lee Su-jin, one of four other girls who were with Ye-sol. Cho Ga-yeong was in her second relationship, while Kang Jo-eun was in her first.
“She’s never had a boyfriend,” Su-jin said with a giggle as she pointed to Park Min-hee, who was listening quietly to the side.
From the star-crossed lovers in the ancient legend of Chunhyang to the love triangle in last year’s TV sitcom “Reply 1988,” it is a universally acknowledged truth that hormones rage during the teenage years. But teenage relationships have always been an awkward reality for older people.
　
Romance: younger, faster and more digital
Ye-sol and her boyfriend are without doubt the most distinguished couple at the school.
Underneath the blouse of her school uniform, Ye-sol was wearing a T-shirt with alternating white and pink stripes. She and her boyfriend had bought identical shirts not long ago to mark the start of their relationship.
When her friends in the hallway pester her, Ye-sol pulls up the blouse to reveal the T-shirt beneath, prompting a chorus of oohs and ahhs. After classes are over, she takes the blouse off and just wears the T-shirt.
When asked why she wears the same T-shirt every day, she says she likes to “show off.”
For teenagers, dating is no longer something that a handful of slackers do or a secret they‘re afraid might get out. Instead, it is a point of pride and a badge of honor.
In a study of sexual trends among adolescents conducted by the city of Seoul in 2013, 41.5% of elementary school students, 37.8% of middle school students and 46.3% of high school students said they had been in a romantic relationship.
Because of the pressure of taking tests, the age at which teenagers start dating has gotten even earlier than during the days of “Reply 1988.”
“The most dating is going on at middle schools and co-ed schools. Nowadays even elementary school students are having a lot of relationships,” said a 19-year-old woman surnamed Kim, who is in the third year of high school.
Ye-sol, Ga-yeong and Jo-eun all started their relationships after being asked out on Facebook Messenger. An older boy that Ye-sol had only seen around school found her on Facebook and shared his feelings over the messaging application.
“During the 13 relationships that I’ve had from elementary school until now, not one has started with a face-to-face conversation. All 13 have begun over Messenger. Three times, I asked the boy out myself,” Ye-sol said.
Facebook Messenger is ideal for contacting someone when you don’t know their phone number. If the other person agrees to go out, the relationship begins with both people adjusting their Facebook personal settings to say “in a relationship.”
Breaking up also takes place via messages on Facebook Messenger or KakaoTalk, another mobile phone chatting application.
Ye-sol’s longest relationship lasted for 186 days; her shortest, just 3 days.
“The ex I was with for 186 days texted me on Kakao that he didn’t think we were right for each other. I felt a little bad, but I ended it without getting upset,” she said.
“My first relationship ended after two weeks,” Ga-yeong said. Considering how common it is for relationships to end so quickly, couples that have stayed together for more than a year are jokingly called “husband and wife” by their friends.
　
Told to “say hi to the in-laws,” parents are flabbergasted
With teenagers getting into more romantic relationships and news about those relationships quickly spreading on social media, the joke is that everyone knows but the parents.
When a 52-year-old woman surnamed Lee, who has a daughter in the first year of middle school, went to a parents’ meeting two years ago, she was astonished when a parent next to her pointed to another parent and said, “Say hi to the in-laws.”
Lee soon discovered that her daughter was in the school’s most notorious relationship - a relationship that had even come to the attention of parents. Nonplused by the remark, Lee played it off and said, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” But Lee was shocked and found it hard to hide her dismay.
Then there was the 53-year-old woman surnamed Jang who was thrown for a loop when she went to a school festival for her daughter, who is in the third year of middle school. When students who were worked up in the festive atmosphere started chanting for a couple in the second year to kiss, the two students actually locked lips on the sports field in front of all the parents and teachers.
But Jang was even more shocked by how her daughter responded when she asked if the couple had gone too far. “Mom,” her daughter said, “If you start holding back in that kind of situation, the kids will keep going. It’s better just to get it over with.”
Mok So-hee, an advisor for sexuality and human rights policy at the Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education, shared her thoughts about the anxiety parents feel about their children dating.
“When I asked parents during one lecture whether teenagers were sexual beings, one person in the audience agreed that teenagers were sexual beings but said they wished it weren’t true. Teenagers aren‘t just sexual creatures - they’re clearly sexual agents as well. But adults would rather deny that,” Mok said.
“By agents,” Mok continued, “I mean individuals who decide and act for themselves and take responsibility for those actions. It’s better to view dating as a type of personal relationship and to educate children so that they can make positive relationships.”
According to a 2013 report by the Korea Sexual Violence Relief Center titled “Teenage Romance in a Society that Pushes Romance,” middle school students who were surveyed said that the pros of dating include acquiring a friend they can open their hearts to, learning how to respect other people’s opinions, and loving themselves better.
　
The names of all teenagers in this story have been changed to protect their identities
　
By Kim Mee-hyang, staff reporter
Please direct questions or comments to [english@hani.co.kr]

Photos of 13-year-olds Kang Jo-eun and Kim Ye-sol eating popcorn and wearing matching t-shirts with their boyfriends. (provided by Kang and Kim)