hankyoreh

A person stands outside a booth for psychological counseling for people affected by the Itaewon crowd crush near a joint memorial for victims of the disaster set up in a plaza at Noksapyeong Station in Yongsan District, Seoul, on Nov. 6. (Yonhap)

“Hello. I don’t feel like a survivor. I was caught in front of the Waikiki bar and was almost swept into the alley where the incident happened, but…. [. . .] From 10:40 pm onwards I thought, ‘Oh, OK. I’m out of that situation. Can I go get a drink and have fun now?’”

“K,” a survivor of the deadly crowd crush in Itaewon, turned her computer on and started to write. After escaping the deadly crowd crush, she was diagnosed as being at high risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at a local mental health welfare center two days later.

Ever since that night, K hasn’t even spoken to the friend she had been with that fateful night. Because she lives on her own rather than with friends or family, K has had to take care of herself.

“The counselor I talked to when I first called said that sharing what happens during my counseling sessions could help other people too.”

At 1:37 am on Wednesday, K shared a post titled “Hello, am I a disaster survivor?” on a Daum internet cafe, SoulDresser, and then went on to write 11 more posts. Many are saying that they are finding solace in her calm record of events, saying that they feel the power of solidarity.

In a phone interview with Hankyoreh on Sunday, K thought about the moment that things went awry.

K had gone to Itaewon with a friend that night. She was taking photographs with people out enjoying the festivities in costumes in Itaewon, but at one point she was swept away by the crowd and lost contact with her friend. It so happened to be somewhere near the alley where the deadly crowd crush would later occur. At this point, K’s feet weren’t touching the ground.

She managed to get pulled up to a railing with the help of someone nearby around 10:40 pm. Barely reunited with her friend and overcome with relief, K thought that the worst was over. She said that she was unaware of what was happening even when the police started to control the situation and people were being carried out on stretchers.

After her hour-long walk from the scene of the incident to Ichon Station, she received a phone call from her mother. “Where are you?” the urgent voice asked.

She found out about the specifics of the incident the next day through the news. She thought about the bodies of women who had been rescued that were strewn about on the ground. That which had filled her with fear at the time of the disaster now filled her with guilt.

The day after the tragedy, she phoned the Korean Psychological Association to receive counseling over the phone. After a few steps, she is now receiving counseling from a psychiatrist near her house.

K described how she had felt over the past week with three sentences: “I want to apologize.” “I feel a sense of longing.” “I feel angry.”

After the tragedy, she continued to obsessively check the news. Her guilt grew worse. A few days after the tragedy, she gathered up the courage to return to Itaewon. After offering flowers in front of Exit 1 of Itaewon Station, she bowed twice.

“I will be a better person and always be giving,” she told herself.

Then came the sense of longing. She started to think of the faces she saw on the streets and wondered if they managed to get home safely. In particular, she thought of the six young men who had dressed up as school crossing guards.

“After I wrote about those young men, I managed to get in touch with them through social media. All of them made it out alive.” Hearing this brought K some relief.

Once she could see what had happened objectively, she started feeling angry. The prime minister joked about the situation and the minister of the interior and safety shirked away from the blame.

“Not apologizing means that they don’t know what the problem is, which means that whenever anything happens, they won’t change it,” K said. “I’m more upset about the fact that young people will feel guilty about having fun in the future.”

K is slowly returning to her daily life. She slept for the first time since the incident on Thursday. She went out to buy daily necessities and made a cup of coffee. By experiencing these small comforts in her daily life, she says that “things will get better.”

“Survivors, witnesses, the citizens who are all suffering from this tragedy are all hurting. I hope that they try to get help through counseling without overthinking it.”

K plans on keeping a record until her counseling is over.

By Lee Woo-yun, staff reporter

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